OH SHIZZNITZ KIDS! The Moral Majority has won another battle in the war against fun: SPARKS IS GOING TO BE CANCELLED!
Charlie LOVES sparks. he’ll skip dinner two nights in a row just so he can afford to buy four sugar-free sparks on a friday night. then he’ll be up for like 26 hours straight clawing at his face until it scabs over.
Babies love sparks. In a taste test conducted just now in my head, 4 out of 5 babies preferred sparks over mothers’ milk. It makes them grow big and strong and have magic powers like shaking really fast and foaming at the mouth.
Dogs love sparks. Charlie gave some to his labradoodlenoodlepoodle mix and he started talking. Sparks makes dogs talk!
OOOH, Charlie is so angry right now he could spit fire out of his eyes. Maybe if enough of you write a letter to MillerCoors complaining how your eyesight and babies and magic dog powers will go away if they stop making sparks, they’ll cancel the canceling! Or join the Save Sparks group on Facebook and make an online statement that no one will ever read except other lonely drunks!
And if that doesn’t work, just mix some Colt 45 with Red Bull and gasoline and you’ve got your own homemade Sparks. You can store it in a 2-liter! DON’T EXPOSE IT TO AIR, OR YOU COULD CRACK THE EARTH TO ITS CORE!